Myths and Realities
"Women get enjoyment, pleasure or satisfaction from their experiences of domestic violence"
Women’s experience has shown that this simply isn’t true. Domestic violence frightens and disempowers women. No-one wants to live in fear.
"She must get something out of it, or else she would leave."
There are many reasons why a woman stays in an abusive relationship but none of them are related to getting something out of the violence and abuse.
Often a woman is too frightened to leave, her partner may have threatened to kill her, the children or the pets. He might even have threatened to kill himself if she goes. Research shows that most domestic murders take place at the point of leaving or after leaving and when a woman is in another relationship.
A woman may be worried about uprooting her children or having to leave them behind or having them taken into care if people find out about the abuse.
Many women blame themselves for the abuse, they think it is their fault. They may lack the confidence to leave or feel guilty and shameful about having allowed the abuse to happen to them and their children.
Many women are still unaware of the help and support available from agencies such as Women’s Aid and the Police.
Often abusers withhold money from their partners so women have no money with which to escape.
The woman’s abuser may have stopped contact with her family and friends so in a crisis she feels she has nowhere to turn.
Emotional abuse often leaves a woman feeling powerless, she may think she is not strong enough to leave, and / or strong enough to survive on her own once she has left. She may worry that she wouldn’t be able to find somewhere to live or get money to live on.
Emotional abuse often leaves a woman feeling worthless, she may believe the lies her abuser has told her and think that no one else will want her or no one will understand or believe that she has been abused.
Many women are still emotionally attached to their partners despite the abuse. This does not mean they enjoy the violence but they may think that their partner will change or that they can stop the violence and make the relationship work.
Many women do not realise how common domestic violence and abuse is, they think they are the only one experiencing it.
Some or all of these reasons lead many women to believe that there is no way out of the abusive relationship and that they would be better off staying with their partner and putting up with the incidences of domestic abuse. Women cope by finding ways of appeasing their abusive partner by being ultra sensitive to his moods of behaviour. This helps reduce the violence but it is short-lived as the abuser will always find something that 'upsets' him so that it justifies his abuse and violence against the woman or his children.
Some women may be carers for their aging or disabled member of the family (for example Asian women looking after aged parents in an extended family network). Escaping the violence would mean leaving dependents to fend for themselves and perhaps the risk of abuse from the partner.
If you are experiencing domestic abuse and you need help and information regarding your options, contact a Women’s Aid group now.
"We shouldn’t interfere, it’s a private matter."
The abuse of an individual is not a private matter, 25% of reported violent crime is domestic violence. Most incidences of domestic violence still go unreported.
Domestic violence is a crime, we cannot go on ignoring it.
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The Wales Domestic Abuse Helpline is a confidential, freephone support and information service for anyone experiencing domestic abuse or wanting more information on available support services. Open 24 hours. Click on the logo for more information